Today’s entry is the last one in my little green notebook from 1997.  Don’t worry, there will be more to come. 

October 18, 1997

3 John 11

     “Dear friend, do not imitate what is evil but what is good.  Anyone who does what is good is from God.  Anyone who does what is evil has not seen God.”

     It is time to be radical!  I’ve got to get my act together and move forward – full steam ahead for the Lord Jesus!

     Miley and I are doing great.  We’ve been struggling physically as Satan has attacked us.  No more!  We have talked about marriage, and I would like to do so.  Anyway, that is down the road a while.  Today: Jesus!

October 21, 1997

     Last night Rob and Miley met.  Rob was filled with the Holy Spirit and preached to us.  I want to be looking for the day of the Lord’s coming.

     Wow! It really is difficult to read these things some times.  I often wince.  Just now I’m thinking about the words to an old Caedmon’s Call song:

“I ran across an old box of letters while bagging up some clothes for Goodwill

You know I had to laugh that the same old struggles that plagued me then are plaguing me still.”

Why do those words come to mind?  Maybe because when I read this entry from so long ago, I want my reaction to be, “Cody, what were you thinking?!?!”  But the reality is that when I read it today I know exactly what I was thinking.  I want to pretend that I have matured in significant ways, and, really, I have.  But then again, some things remain.  The charred remains of a younger, dumber Cody still cling to me. 

     Part of it, I think, is wiring.  Not necessarily faulty wiring, just unique wiring.  I tend to be this very emotional, passionate person prone to grand visions, grander Kingdom service, and absolutely magnificent failures.  I’m still that heart-first, brain-last kid from 1997.  It is very much responsible for a great deal of personal heartache and sin.  That thorn.  But, I know with certainty that it has a whole lot to do with how the Lord Jesus uses me in missions.  Leave it in, Lord.

     Even as I say this though I wonder if I’m just trying to make excuses for my shortcomings.  Am I trying to say something positive about my hang-ups so that I can more easily justify holding on to them?  Gosh, I really don’t know.  Maybe I’m making things too complicated and grey.  There is no question that God intends to use our weaknesses in order to manifest His strength (2. Cor. 12:9).  Which brings us to the rest of the song:

“I am thankful that I’m incapable of doing any good on my own.”

     Sorry for the very long pause in including journal entries here.  We started a Nepali church plant back in the spring and it really started eating up a lot of my time.  Of course, I don’t really mind.  I have fallen in love with my Nepali brothers and sisters, the dal, the bhat, and even (to some extent) the films.  But anyway, now that a new year of school is fully off-the-ground, let me try to get back to these weekly installments. 

October 9, 1997 – 2:24 PM

Rom. 6:19

     “I put this in human terms because you are weak in your natural selves.  Just as you used to offer the parts of your body in slavery to impurity and to ever-increasing wickedness, so now offer them in slavery to righteousness leading to holiness.”

     Miley [the girl I was dating at the time, something of a rebound girlfriend, not her real name] really does love Jesus.  More and more I am convinced that she is consumed by Him.  I want God to be glorified in this relationship.  She says she loves me.  She is a cut above a cut above.  This is so interesting, I need to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus.

     Look, I’ll be honest with you.  When I look back on this entry, I don’t have any idea what I was thinking.  Miley was really not “a cut above a cut above.”  She was a sweet girl who was trying to follow Jesus, but was not very stable in her relationship with either Him or anyone else.  But, crap, there just seems to be this tendency in me – certainly it was the case then – to just see whatever the heck I wanted to see.  I wonder to what extent I do that now.  And I wonder what the solution is.

     (1) Accountability must be a piece of it.  To what extent am I hiding parts of my life away from the scrutiny of another follower of Christ because I know what they would say? (2) Keeping myself under the authority and influence of the Bible must also be a part of it. Am I there?  (3) Staying vitally connected to the teaching ministry and authority of a local church – that’s is also a key. 

     Right now I feel weakest on the first point.  Point 2 is getting stronger and I feel pretty solid on point 3.  How about you?  I would love to get your answers in the comment section.

     While I was away, a question was asked during one of our 1Stone Noonday events.  The question had to do with murder, killing, war, etc.  In essence, it seems that the question had to do with why killing/war seemed to be okay in the Old Testament but bad in the New Testament.  Actually, the question seemed to be asked from the perspective of assuming that killing and war are always fundamentally wrong.  I’m not really sure how the question was answered at the time, but let me reflect on it a bit here.  Enjoy!

     God is consistent when it comes to punishing sin.  He uses various means, but the wages of sin has always been death (Gen. 2:17, Rom. 6:23).  Sometimes those means are what we might consider supernatural as in the case of Sodom and Gomorrah (Gen. 20:23-29), Egypt (Ex. 7-12), or Herod (Acts 12:20-23).  But at many other times, God uses human agents to carry out His punishment of sin.  Examples of this abound in the Bible, including the entire book of Judges, scripture recounting the downfall and exile of the Israelites, and the execution of the two thieves who were crucified on either side of Jesus.  In each of these cases, God used human agents to mete out the punishment that the sins of other humans deserved (Lk. 23:41).  Of course, the ultimate example of this is the crucifixion of Jesus Christ.  In this case, God punished the only truly innocent person for the sin of humanity.  And God used human agents (e.g. Roman soldiers, Jewish leaders, etc.) to carry out that punishment.

     When people object to the conquest of the promised land, they usually do so without seriously reflecting on the entire Biblical narrative.  First, they fail to see that most of the suffering and death recorded in the Bible is against the people of God.  When various enemies attacked and oppressed the twelve tribes during the Judges period, when the Assyrians wiped out the northern kingdom, and when the Babylonians conquered Judea, they did so as agents of God’s wrath (Jer. 25:9).  I’ve never heard a skeptic complain about this fact, but the reality is that God brought about the death of more Israelites than perhaps any other ethnic group in the Old Testament.  Does this make God anti-Semitic?  Of course not.  But it does make clear that God takes sin very seriously and is committed to obliterating it. 

     Thus the conquest of Canaan must be understood as a case of God using the Israelites as his agents to carry out the punishment of the sin of the Canaanite people.  This is exactly what the Scripture teaches.  Note that in the Abrahamic covenant, God promises that Abraham’s descendents will inherit the land of Canaan.  But God also says that they cannot inherit the land right away.  They would have to wait for many years (over 400) for “the iniquity of the Amorites” was not yet “complete” (Gen. 15:16).  That is, God made his chosen people wait hundreds of years (even in great suffering and exploitation) before finally punishing the inhabitants of Canaan (generally referred to as Amorites).  To put it another way, the Canaanites had more than 400 years to repent from the time Abraham was living among them as a witness to the day Joshua led the Israelites across the Jordan river.

     Some people, of course, have a problem with God commanding the Israelites to conquer cities and regions, killing the inhabitants.  But the only real difference between this and the Babylonian conquest of Judea is that the Israelites knew they were God’s instruments of punishment.  And knowing this was simply a product of their covenant relationship with God, the very relationship that the Canaanites had consistently rejected since the days of Abraham.  To be sure, there were some Canaanites who repented of their sin.  These were spared (e.g. Jos. 6:25). 

     Others may object to the fact that children were included among those who were killed during the conquest of Canaan.  But this simply reflects the more collectivist worldview of the Bible versus a more Western, individualistic worldview.  There are cases in the Bible when children were to be punished along with adults if the punishment was against an entire family or society.  This could happen just as easily to the Israelites as to non-Israelites (e.g. Josh. 8:22-26).

     It is important to state outright that these Biblical events should not be seen as a justification for genocide or for “holy war.”  There is no standing command in the Bible that instructs the people of God to wage war against the unfaithful.  The standing commands we have are to love our neighbor and to proclaim the way of salvation to all peoples and nations.  At the same time, Jesus doesn’t represent a philosophical break with the God of the Old Testament.  While it is tempting for us to view Jesus as a ultra-pacifist hippie that wants to “make love, not war,” we must remember that Jesus Christ is the God of the Old Testament.  He specifically said that he came not to bring peace but a sword (Mat. 10:34), he was more commonly mistaken to be a radical revolutionary that would overthrow the Romans than an ascetic hermit that wanted everyone to just get along, and he was not above using violence to get his point across (Jn. 2:15).  Jesus Christ hated sin and came into the world to destroy it.

     Finally, let’s keep in mind that there is a difference between murder and killing.  This is most clearly seen in Genesis 6 when we see that anyone who sheds the blood of another human will have his blood shed by a human.  Surely this doesn’t mean that then the executioner will have to be executed and on and on until the human race is wiped out.  No, in the law of Moses, regulations are established for the punishment of sin which include the death penalty.  Jesus didn’t forbid the death penalty during his earthly ministry, but rather submitted willingly to it.  Moreover, the apostolic witness indicates that governing officials should continue to “bear the sword” as instruments of God’s wrath against sin (Rom. 13:4).

     The truth is, as human beings, we delight in the punishment and eradication of evil.  I just watched the movie Valkyrie last week which is the story of a failed attempt to assassinate Adolph Hitler.  Now, I would venture to say that nearly everyone in that theater was cheering for the people who were trying to assassinate Hitler.  Why? Because we hate evil.  There is something in us (perhaps the image of God) that cries out to God for sin to be eliminated.  We hate injustice, oppression, deceit, greed, abuse, etc.  Even now, if a pedophile or a terrorist is punished, we are glad.  So why do we cringe when God punishes sin in the Bible?  In particular, when God uses the Israelites as his agents to punish the Canaanites, why do we feel upset?  My guess is that we have tended to misunderstand sin.  In particular, our culture has taught us that certain sins such as sexual immorality, murder, and racism are especially heinous while others aren’t particularly bad.  But the first and greatest command is to love God.  So it would follow that the first and greatest sin is to not love God.  Now if that is true, we understand that the person who rejects God, is engaging in sin that is more severe than the Holocaust or 9/11. 

     Well, I’m going to stop now.  Need to move on to other things.  Think this over, I look forward to your feedback.

I’m going to put a couple entries here this week.  The first is short and then it appears that I didn’t journal for several days.  And then, well, that’s where the confession begins.  Enjoy!

September 19, 1997 – 5:02 PM

     Things have changed a lot for this boy in the last few months.  My life is in ruins, but I rejoice because it is in His hands.

September 29, 1997 – 1:08 PM

     Well, I find myself in a rather odd situation.  Yes, another girl.  When you stop laughing, I’ll continue . . . [I should probably allow for a pretty long pause.  You ready? Okay.]

     Much has happened of late that I have not shared with you, but I will focus now on the point of greatest interest (i.e. Miley).  Miley is a young lady in my psych class and we have become good friends.  In fact, we have become rather “involved” physically [That is, we kinda made out . . . can anyone say, rebound?].

      She is a great girl.  She loves Jesus.  She is pretty.  And she has a nice personality.  She has a checkered past [RED FLAG!!!], however, she has put her eyes on Jesus.

     I enjoy being with her.  I love her (romance aside), and I “like” her.  But I keep remembering my friend Rob’s words, “Your wife will be a cut above, a cut above, a cut above.”  Those are high standards.  Should I settle for less?  No! [Rob was a Waffle House regular when I worked there. He was always full of godly advice, including this little nugget]

     Miley (at least for now) is not that.  I don’t think she is consumed by Jesus.  This is difficult.

     But I don’t feel God leading us in the direction we have recently chosen.  Perhaps we need to develop the trust and friendship more.  I want to wait on God’s time.  If she is even close to “a cut above³”, then she’ll be okay with waiting.  Her response will tell me a lot about her.

     Praise the Lord!

      So, how’s it going?  You know, this isn’t easy for me to share.  Let’s do a couple things.  First, let me ask you to imagine a friend of yours coming to you with the above situation.  What would your advice be?  Come on, advise “Young Cody” in the comment section below. 

     Second, let me say this.  It is my opinion that single people settle far too easily in their relationships with the opposite sex.  Rob’s “cut above³” comment stuck with me for a long time.  It was a life shaping challenge to choose better.  A friend was recently talking to me about how he basically expected that his future wife will have been very sexually promiscuous prior to their marriage.  I was blown away and said to him, “Why don’t you just choose better?”  He said, “Well, if I fall in love with her, then that’s it.” I said, “Don’t fall in love with someone like that.”  Please, I beg you, set the bar high and keep it there.  You will not regret it.

     Finally, I want to publically say that I have absolutely no question whatsoever that Rob was right.  My wife, Katherine, is truly “a cut above, a cut above, a cut above.”  Praise God for that!

 More relational stuff, that’s more like it . . .

 September 18, 1997 – 11:31 PM

      I got a raise today.  God blessed me!  I’m now making $6.45/hr.  I called Faith again and left a message on the machine.  No return call.  My temptation is to get mad at her, tell her off, and forget it.  God doesn’t want that though.  He wants me to lay my life down for her, to love her (romance aside).  She’s being a horse’s rear and I don’t like it.  I forgive her.

     I’m looking forward to tomorrow.  More and more I find myself looking forward to every day.  Jesus has drawn me in.  Jake [a friend of mine]  needs to put God first, not his girlfriend.  She is wrecking his life.  What do I know:

 1. Jesus loves me.

2. I am His.

3. He is my all in all, all I need.

4. I love Him so much!

5. I’ve gotta get up really early for school so, good night!

      Just a couple quick thoughts before we move on.  First, I’m appreciating reading back over these and seeing how my turbulent relationship with Faith was occupying less and less of my mental and emotional energy.  I love seeing that it really was my relationship with God that was helping me to heal. 

     Also, I love that “looking forward to tomorrow” attitude.  Where did that come from and how do I get it back?  Let me ask you.  Are you more likely to go to sleep dreading the next day or looking forward to it?  And don’t say that it depends on what’s happening tomorrow.  That’s not helpful to me or anyone else.  I mean if my attitude is completely dependent on circumstances, I’m going to always be up and down.

     I spoke with a friend at COD the other day who always seems to be ultra-concerned about his future.  Every time we talk he seems worried about his future wife, his future career, etc.  I asked him recently, “What about today?”  I remember a line from some poem that I read years ago that said, “Whatever we’re doing right now is important.”  Well, the future is important too, I guess.  But it can’t hold a candle to today.  I mean, you may get hit by a bus next week – you probably won’t, I know, but you might.  And if you did, and all you were living for was something 3-5 years down the road—wow, that would be a waste.  What about seizing the day.  Appreciating it.  Making today eternally significant.  You can do that, you know.  But, you’ll probably have to become less self-absorbed.  Here are some thoughts from the Bible:

 “So teach us to number our days that we may gain a heart of wisdom.”  (Ps. 90:12)

“Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring.  What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes.  Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’ As it is, you boast in your arrogance.  All such boasting is evil.  So whoever knows the right thing to do and fails to do it, for him it is sin.”  (James 4:13-17)

Lastly, I’ll just mention that occasionally in my journal I would just make a list of “things I knew.”  That really helped me to sort through the foundational things and the flimsy things.  I recommend it.

     Anyway, that’s all for now.  Lord willing, we’ll talk next week.  I’ve got a confession to make.

[By the way, if youare just joining us I’ve been going through my old journals and sharing them,unedited, with the world.  The black text is straight from my journals (Cody in his earlytwenties).  The orange text ispresent-day Cody (early 30s, yikes!) reflecting and commenting.  Enjoy!]

 Can you believe it, a whole journal entry with no mention of my defunct relationshipwith Faith.  That’s pretty amazing.

 September17, 1997 – 8:55 AM

      Buck up! You’re not home yet! SYATP! [That is, “Seeyou at the pole!” That’s basically an annual prayer gathering that oftenhappens at schools. It was quite popular in Oklahoma back then.  You can read more about it here – if you are interested.] Well, I missed thepole.  I waited around Washington [the town Iwas living in at the time] until 7Am hoping for the opportunity toshare the Word, but there was no pre-pole breakfast.  I got to school at 7:30.  Prayer was over, but there was goodfellowship.  David Curray and the BaptistStudent Union were there along with Chi Alpha. Be back . . .

     Well, as it turns out, I didn’tmanage to get back to my journal that day. But let’s take a moment to reflect on what was going on there.  “See You at the Pole” was a prayer event thathappened every year at schools in Oklahoma. Maybe you’ve participated in it before. I had gotten really used to it by the time I got into college.  I always like the idea of gathering to prayfor the campus once-a-year.  But now as Ilook back on it, I think of how woefully insufficient that was.  Once-a-year? Really? What about daily?

     About a year ago (or a littlemore), a couple students started meeting for prayer every day at the College ofDuPage.  We managed to keep aseveral-days-a-week prayer gathering going ever since (even over thesummer).  This has inspired me to beginpraying regularly on other college campuses in the Chicagoland area. Justprayer, nothing fancy.  And I’d like touse this post to call upon all of you to pray for your college campus.

     If you are a COD student, here’sa specific invitation.  We have prayergatherings happening several days each week at COD.  Please join us.  If those times don’t work for you, start yourown prayer gathering at a time that works for you and post in the commentsection of this post when and where so others can join you.

     If you are a student at anotherschool, I’d love for you to post information here about your own prayergathering.  Who knows, maybe I’ll showup. 

     But look people, here’s thedeal – we need no less than a movement of prayer on our college campuses aroundChicagoland and the world.  If we want tosee God show up in great power, move and work amongst us in signs and wonders,stretch out His hand and save people from sin, shame and Satan – if we’re goingto see this, we must cry out to God! John Wesley has said (and I don’t quote him often so pay attention), “Goddoes nothing except in answer to prayer” and I think that is actually true.

     Also consider Paul’s words:

 “You also must help usby prayer, so that many will give thanks on our behalf for the blessing grantedus through the prayers of many.”  (2 Cor.1:11)

 I think that verse is actually indicating that the bigger the group ofpeople praying, the more inclined God is to answer the prayer because doing sowill mean a greater amount of praise and thanksgiving offered to God once Hedoes.  So, maybe God has every intentionof pouring out His Spirit upon your campus, but is waiting until more and morepeople are mobilized to pray so that when He does, His glory will resound moreand more.

     Of course, if that doesn’t doit for you, there is always:

 “If my people who arecalled by my name humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn fromtheir wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin andheal their land.”  (2 Chron. 7:14)

      I know my voice is a small one,but I’m using to call for a movement of prayer at the College of DuPage.  If you are a part of the COD community andare a follower of the Lord Jesus Christ, why aren’t you praying for thecampus?  Why aren’t you meeting withothers to pray?  There is no practicalreason why we can’t have prayer happening every day.  There is no practical reason why we don’thave at least 2 believers praying from the time the school opens to the time itcloses.

     Join the cause!  Post your prayer gathering times in thecomment section of this article. And forward this URL to others.  I'm in, are you?

Well, reality seems to really be starting to set in now . . .

September 12, 1997 – 1:32 PM

     Oh, me! Faith spent much of the last few days goofing off.  Okay, I prayed that she wouldn’t be stressed out.  She told me that she didn’t have time for a relationship.  That was a lie.  She has chosen to do other things.  What was I to her?  What was that time together? Was it just for fun? Ahhh!

     Better question:  Why do I love her so much?  Well, today I make my resolution.  I will lay down my life, even when it means allowing her to step all over me.  My aim is complete selflessness in all my relationships.  I’ve been seeking to gain from Faith.  However, all I need I can get from God.  So let me seek to give.

     Tough life.  Hmmm . . .  real tough.

     What a challenging thing to deal with.  How many of you have been there?  That kind of extreme disappointment in a romantic relationship?  As I read this, I can recall the feeling of hopes being slowly dashed (can you dash something slowly?).  And, I still cringe to read that Faith “didn’t have time for a relationship.”  Man, why not just be honest?  Maybe I need to just blog about how to break up with someone.  We’re all just so crappy at it.  We lie, obfuscate, procrastinate, hide.  We say it is because we don’t want to hurt the person we’re breaking up with.  Maybe that really was Faith’s reason.  It was never mine.  For me, when I failed to break up well, it was out of sheer cowardice.

     The second paragraph is challenging to me still today.  Aiming at complete selflessness is not only admirable, it is absolutely what Christ has called us to:

“This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.  Greater love has no one that this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.  You are my friends if you do what I command you.”  (Jn. 15:12-14)

One of the things that strikes me as I read my old journals is this kind of radical idealism that seemed to permeate my thinking.  Eleven years later, I’ve abandoned some of that.  Some wisely as I have grown in experience and maturity.  Some foolishly, out of crustiness. This falls into the latter category.  No, of course, I have never achieved true selflessness in my relationships, but who ever said I should stop trying?  Of course it isn’t pleasant to suffer abuse and insults, to live sacrificially and humbly, to lay down one’s life for others, to pick up our crosses and follow Christ – but whoever said it would be? 

     I think we often overlook just how ridiculous it sounds to “turn the other cheek” or “love your enemies.” When I debate with atheists and skeptics, they frequently want to attack Biblical stories about creation, Noah’s ark, or Jesus walking on water.  But the really hard-to-believe stuff is this stuff about laying down our lives.  Christ-followers the world over haven’t any difficulty believing that God used Moses to part the sea, but we’re totally stumped by “love one another as I have loved you.”

     To a group of Christ-followers who were fighting against each other – each one asserting their rights against the other in the conflict – the Apostle Paul wrote, “Why not rather suffer wrong?”  Doesn’t that blow you away? In my relationship with Faith, I was really trying to live on that plane.  Why should I demand respect or kindness or reciprocity from her in return for my love? If I’m going to love her as Christ loved me, what does that have to do with her response?  Isn’t it much preferable to faithfully love another and be mistreated in response than to demand my rights in the relationship at the expense of sacrificial love?    

Let’s continue the saga . . .

September 11, 1997 – 10:04 PM

     Well, Faith hasn’t returned my phone calls since last night.  Perhaps she didn’t get the messages.  This, however, is unlikely.  I doubt that she has just not been able to call me. Nevertheless, I refuse to get mad at her.  I know she is stressed out.  I love that girl, and it looks like I may have to fight to maintain a friendship.  I am willing to do that for her.  God said that in order for me to truly love someone, I must lay down my life for them.  This means my concerns, my feelings, my desires, my pride, my best interests – these must be secondary to my friends (i.e. Faith). [Good stuff.  That comes from Jn. 15:13]

     I do miss her.  I miss the relationship that we did have.  It was really good.  I know that I don’t need it – God has shown me that this week.  But, I would like it.  So I pray for it.  Ultimately, let it be God’s will.

     Faith is such a precious life.  Her walk has inspired me so.  God has used her to draw me closer to Him than I ever have been.

     God had me work with a new lady today.  She is a Christian who goes to church at Washington, First Baptist.  It is Brenda Mobely’s mother.  Who would have thought that a woman that I had prayed for in our prayer ministry would be working with me at Waffle House?  [I’m really glad that I wasn’t totally missing everything that God was doing in my life, but I do wish I hadn’t let my relationship with Faith become so dominant in my thought life.]

     Faith has yet to call me.  I will try again and then just go to bed.  I can’t help being a little disappointed that she hasn’t taken the time to call me.  But, if I talk to her, I’ll fake it.  She doesn’t need to worry about me.

     I love Jesus!

     Man, this relationship with Faith just doesn’t want to die.  Or, perhaps, I just refused to let it.  At least, that’s what it seems like as I read these old journal entries.  I can’t help but wonder if, from Faith’s perspective, I was becoming a bit “stalker-esque.”  Well, at least it was just phone calls . . . multiple, daily phone calls. 

     I suppose part of the problem was a lack of clearly defining the relationship.  Yes, the dreaded “DTR.”  It is something that never really seemed to happen with Faith and I – or not up to that point anyway.  I wasn’t really very sure whether we were together or not, if we were just on hold because of how busy school was, or what she wanted our friendship to look like.  I mean, yeah, I look back on this and wonder why I couldn’t take a hint.  But that’s just it, many people can’t take hints—especially when they are blinded by romantic infatuation.  And, when I think about, why should they have to?  Faith and I had a real relationship, we really dated, there was genuine mutual interest for a time, and we were both committed followers of Christ.  I wasn’t just some Facebook friend that tracked her down.  I guess I am saying that I feel like I deserved clear communication. 

     Now, without a doubt, I wouldn’t have taken it well.  I would have cried like a baby and hurt for a pretty long time.  But, I did that anyway.  In fact, the pain was probably only drug out longer by the lack of clear communication.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just trying to criticize Faith and I really don’t have any residual hard feelings.  I’m trying to make a point here about relationships.  After all, I’ve basically done the same thing myself.  I remember one girl that I had dated for a few months then wanted to break up with.  I didn’t have the guts to talk to her directly, so my strategy was to just act like a jerk until she decided to break up with me.  Real Christ-like, huh?  Now, to her credit, Faith didn’t employ that strategy with me.  But my point is that it would have been more Christ-honoring and less painful to just communicate directly.  These people that you are dating are made in the image of God (Gen. 1:26-27), you know.  They deserve love, truth and respect.  They shouldn’t be led on.  And I don’t think they should have to “take a hint.” 

     Well, I know, this is no science and DTR’s can be excruciating.  And, as some of you probably know, DTRs can even be somewhat ineffective.  People that you’ve been very clear with may keep calling, texting or getting tattoos of your face on odd parts of their body.*  But, if I know I have tried to gently but clearly tell her/him that I’m not interested in a romantic relationship, dating, daily phone calls, etc. – at least, then, I’ve done my part.  Then it is no longer a matter of them not being able to “take a hint.”  My conscience is eased knowing that I’ve tried to be a clear as possible and that I’ve tried to honor Christ.   

     So, how do you DTR (define the relationship)?  That’s an excellent question. Why don’t we open it up to some ideas.  Give us your best DTR advice in the comment section of this blog.  I look forward to hearing from you.

[* BTW, if this is a persistent problem, you’ll likely need to bring a third party into the picture.  Perhaps a mutual friend can sit down with the two of you and help you to re-define the relationship.  Anyone had any experience with this that you’d like to share?]

[By the way, if you are just joining us I’ve been going through my old journals and sharing them, unedited, with the world.  The black text is straight from my journals (Cody in his early twenties).  The orange text is present-day Cody (early 30s, yikes!) reflecting and commenting.  Enjoy!]

I hope you had a great Christmas break.  We’re back again for more prying into Young Cody’s private life.  I’ll pick things up with an entry from a few days after my birthday – 11 years ago.

September 10, 1997 – 10:52 PM

     God is good!  I don’t miss Faith [my pseudo-girlfriend] in the same way anymore.  It is somehow different.  It is not debilitating anymore.  I am enjoying much of life, and, many times – in the midst of great joy – I find myself wishing to share it with her.  The sky just always seemed bluer, and the sun seemed to shine brighter when she was around [Oh, no! I didn’t just say that.].  Nevertheless, I am content with the circumstance I find myself in.  And why not? I am enjoying the friends in my classes so much that I look forward to school.  I have even grown to love two particular Christians in my psychology class (Fred, Miley).  Fred’s walk appears to be exemplary (sometimes you just know) and Miley (although a bit immature) is as sweet as sugar.  I’m also very fond of a Christian brother in my English class named Derrick.  He seems a bit standoffish at times, but I like him.

     While I’m counting blessings, I’ll mention that Northside Baptist Church called me (unanimously) to serve as youth/music minister.  I couldn’t help but overhear Bro. Dan read some of the comments that my references made about me.  I am so grateful for what the Lord has done in my life.  It is truly all from Him.

     My job at Waffle House is pleasant also.  So God has taken care of me.

     I left a message on Faith’s machine to call me.  She hasn’t.  God doesn’t want me to call her.  I don’t exactly know why.  So, I’ll just hope she does.  Surely . . . no, I’ll think positive.  I believe that there may be something for Faith at Northside.  Dina expressed tonight how much she missed her.

     I had a revelation [I think I meant that I had a kind of premonition, maybe it was in a dream.  I don’t remember now.] of two questions yesterday at work!

1.         What will you be doing in 5 years? 

2.       What about you and Faith?

Do you know that both of those questions were asked tonight?  Quite amazing!  God seems to be holding our hands.  Giving me seeds of hope for a future.  I know that I truly love her.  Nevertheless, not my will, but Thine be done.

     Okay, well there is an actual insight here to point out. Here I was going through the most painful and confusing breakup of my life (by a nose), and I was finding comfort and gladness.  Where was I finding it?  Partly in my personal relationship with God, but what stands out in this entry was how my relationships with other friends were helping me find joy.  One of the truly bad habits of dating is that it tends to isolate us from other vital relationships.  We withdraw from friends, family, spiritual leaders, etc.  Fortunately, that was one pattern that I didn’t fall into completely.  So when things started going badly in my relationship with Faith, I had friends there.  I had my church family.  These didn’t even have to be relationships in which I shared all my struggles (although that’s great).  It was significant enough that the relationships were there.  You see?

     So that’s a word for you today.  If you date, cultivate don’t isolate! Nice, huh?  What I mean is that you should seek to cultivate your relationships with other people besides your boy/girlfriend.  Cultivate your relationships with friends, family, and church peeps.  Very important.  I remember in 3^rd grade that I had a girlfriend named Charlotte.  One day at recess she threatened to break up with me because I wanted to play basketball instead of playing with her at the tire swing.  It was a difficult decision and basketball won the day.  And looking back on the situation with all the wisdom that a 31-year-old can muster, I must say, Charlotte was wrong.

     I also have to just point out that when Northside Baptist Church hired me as their youth and music minister it was the beginning of my career in professional ministry.  More than 11 years have passed and I’m still loving it!

Special Guest Blogger:  Katherine Lorance

     My father is a huge “Peanuts” fan.  It is possible that my birth announcement had Snoopy or Linus on it.  It was more or less inevitable that I also became a big fan of the comic strip.

     Yesterday I watched “A Charlie Brown Christmas” again.  You know, the one where Charlie Brown is supposed to direct the Christmas play but everyone dances instead of rehearsing and where everyone calls him a blockhead for getting a pathetic tree.  If you don’t know what I am talking about, go watch it.

     I love how this show actually gives the true meaning of Christmas (albeit in King James English) and delivers it through a thumb-sucking, blanket-wielding, funny-looking kid:

And there were in the same country shepherds abiding in the field, keeping watch over their flock by night.  And, lo, the angel of the Lord came upon them, and the glory of the Lord shone round about them, and they were sore afraid.  And the angel said unto them, “Fear not; for, behold, I bring you good tidings of great joy, which shall be to all people.  For unto you is born this day in the city of David a Savior, which is Christ the Lord.  And this shall be a sign unto you: ye shall find the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger.”  And suddenly there was with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God, and saying, ^“Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace, good will toward men.”

Here are some other related truths I found while watching “A Charlie Brown Christmas.”

1.         Jesus came to earth for Charlie Browns.  A few years ago, I was at a Christmas church service where the pastor asked why Jesus was born in a stable and why the angels told shepherds first.  One woman gave the profound answer: to show that Jesus was for everyone.  Jesus began his time on earth in the humblest of settings so that the humblest of people could see him.  Throughout his life on earth, Jesus was a friend to the poor, the sick, the outcasts, the scoundrels.  You don’t have to have money or friends, be educated or accomplished, or act nicely to see Jesus.  You don’t have to be able to win a baseball game or have the courage to ask out a little red-haired girl to see Jesus.  You can be a Charlie Brown and still know that Jesus came to earth for you.  That is good news.

2.       Jesus doesn’t take away all the things that make you say “Rats!”  Some people think that if you follow God, life will be easy and pleasant.  If God loves you, God will give you a comfortable life with no problems.  The truth is that Jesus said his followers would experience many troubles.  Charlie Brown still has issues – with decorating trees, kite-eating trees, that bully Lucy – just as you still have struggles.  But God still loves you.

3.       Every Charlie Brown needs a Snoopy, a Sally, a, Lucy, a Linus, a Pigpen, etc.  At the end of “A Charlie Brown Christmas,” all of Charlie Brown’s friends and frenemies work together to change the puny droopy tree into a healthy looking, well-decorated Christmas tree.  Is it weird that the same kids who called Charlie Brown a loser are the ones who cheer him up and wish him a Merry Christmas? But then again, I suppose they are kind of like Charlie Brown’s family.  Jesus wants you to follow him not by yourself but with others (and he knows some of them may drive you crazy sometimes).

4.      Jesus will make every sad little tree beautiful.  So I’m mixing metaphors a bit here because now I’m identifying you (and myself) with the pathetic tree.  And note the difference in tense between #2 (present) and this one (future).  Someday all the wrong things in the world will be made right.  Someday there will be peace, justice, joy and goodness in every place.  Someday everything you find ugly about yourself will disappear and a deeply beautiful yourself will be revealed.  That is good news too.

5.       You don’t have to stop sucking your thumb before you can speak the truth / Thumb-suckers can still speak the truth.  My 6- year-old son asked me why Linus sucks his thumb and carries a blanket all the time.  I had taken those habits for granted for a long time and couldn’t really come up with any answer that didn’t make Linus seem silly.  Maybe Linus is a bit silly.  The thing is that everyone is a bit silly, everyone has bad habits and no one has got things all together.  So don’t let your imperfections stop you from speaking the truth.  And don’t let others’ imperfections hinder you from listening to the truth.

So good job, Charlie Brown, and Merry Christmas!

So, this year I’ve been eating a lot more cereal that in the past.  I’m not really sure why.  But it has gotten me thinking about the great dangers of cereal.  No, not empty calories and teeth-rotting sugar.  I’m talking about paganism.  That’s right.  The cereal that you love so much, could be deeply Satanic.  Let’s see . . .

The Five Most-pagan Cereals

5. Rice Krispies

Did you know that the loveable little icons, Snap, Crackle and Pop are really magical Gnomes who are engaged in a spiritual struggle to control your breakfast bowl?  That’s right! And they have been since the 1930s.  Not only that, but their operation is global.  In Mexico they are known as Pim, Pum and Pam.  In Germany they are Knisper, Knasper and Knusper.  And among the Zulu tribesmen of South Africa they are Click, Click and Nagunga (complete with postalveolar clicking).

4. Raisin Bran

What could be more pagan than portraying the sun as a living being?  Just look at that smiling sun-face on the box and see how it’s pouring forth grace upon your cereal.  Is this Ra of Egyptian lore or Surya Deva of Vedic mythology?  And how are we to respond to the sun’s gracious gift of plump, juicy raisins – a hymn perhaps? Libations? Sacrificing a virgin?

3. Cookie Crisp

Perhaps you're old enough to remember Cookie Crook and his constant sinister shenanigans – variously trying to steal Cookie Crisp cereal and thus thwart Officer Crumb.  Well, now it’s Chip the dog’s (or maybe wolf) turn.  He’s always trying to steal cereal from children and is never brought to justice.  Even back in the day when Cookie Crook was arrested by Officer Crumb, there he’d be the next week out again and up to his evil ways.  The cereal has so many problems it’s hard to know where to begin – from the glorification of thievery (a violation of the 8^th commandment) and coveting (10^th commandment), to portraying an obviously flawed criminal justice system as normal and entertaining.

2. Count Chocula

Uhh . . . hello! Can you say Vampire!!!  This one is just blatantly Satanic.  Count Chocula is, after all, the living dead.  Sure, for now he’s pretty much preoccupied with his cereal craving, but just you wait.  He’ll turn on you in no time and be after your blood.  Keep your crucifix handy if you plan to indulge in any of this chocolaty goodness.  And let’s not even get into the spinoffs: Frankenberry, Boo Berry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy.

1.  Lucky Charms

Perhaps the most pagan cereal of them all has to be Lucky Charms.  I mean, after all we’re talking about a box that’s just chock full of pagan symbolism in tasty marshmallow form.  The cereal was actually inspired by the idea of charm bracelets – historically worn as amulets to ward off evil spirits.  So, yeah, eat this cereal and become safe from the evil eye.  Just wait for them to add upcoming black pentagrams to their marshmallow lineup.

Okay.  So let this be a lesson to you.  There is no innocent breakfast consumption.  God knows what you eat.

Oh, yeah.  Let me give you some Christian alternatives:

1.       Fruity Pebbles.  Creationists will enjoy the fact that humans and dinosaurs coexist in the pre-flood story line upon which this cereal is based.

2.       Lucky Charms without the marshmallows.  Yes, if you filter out all the marshmallows you are left with the whole grain oat pieces that are shaped in the following ways:  church bells; three-leaf clovers representing the Trinity, a lower-case alpha or “Jesus fish”, a cross, and a Christmas tree intended to remind us of the birth of Christ.

[Note: the above blog was just for fun--AS IN FUNNY.  Don’t take everything in life so seriously.  Jesus doesn’t want you to be uptight. Have a laugh once in a while.]

Shalom

[By the way, if you are just joining us I’ve been going through my old journals and sharing them, unedited, with the world.  The black text is straight from my journals (Cody in his early twenties).  The orange text is present-day Cody (early 30s, yikes!) reflecting and commenting.  Enjoy!]

Okay, so I don’t really know what happened to prompt the following entry – I just don’t remember it.  But I can guess . . .

Unknown date.  Between 9/6 and 9/10 1997

     I’m so sad!  And mad!  At who?  I don’t know.  I’m mad at whatever changed her mind about me.  I gave her my heart and she smashed it on the ground.  Not on purpose, but it still hurts.  Now it will take forever to put it back together.  I’ll be more careful about it next time.   But some girl (probably Faith) will sweep me up again.  I’ll fall harder in love.

     Falling in love is great unless the girl doesn’t catch you.  AHHHHHHH!

     Just want to mention here that following the “ahhhh” at the end of my entry is about half a page of heavily inked scribbles.  Scribble is really not a strong enough word.  It looks like I gripped my pen in my fist and just scratched up the page rather furiously for a while.  Not sure if it made me feel better.

     Another thing that comes to mind as I reflect back on my obviously painful dating experiences – oh and there is so much more to come – it the issue of satisfaction.  I kind of went back and forth on this one back in those days.  There were times when I really did find my satisfaction in God and so many times when I was looking to others to make me happy.  I just want to say to you guys in a very clear way, God should be the fountain of satisfaction for your life.  Consider this passage of Scripture with me:

“Be appalled, O heavens, at this; be shocked, be utterly desolate, declares the LORD, for my people have committed two evils:  they have forsaken me, the fountain of living waters, and hewed out cisterns for themselves, broken cisterns that can hold no water.”  Jeremiah 2:12-13

     A cistern, in case you are wondering, is a like a tank that is designed to catch rain water for the purposes of drinking.  When I was Egypt years ago, I saw a lot of homes out in the desert areas that had cisterns on the roofs.  I hope you can see why a broken cistern would be a bit of a problem – no water.

     Anyway, God says that His people have committed two great evils.  First, they have forsaken the fountain of living waters.  Imagine you live in the desert but you are right next to a wonderful spring that produces a never ending supply of fresh and clean drinking water.  That’s God.  Constant, satisfying, everything you ever need.  The evil here is that the people were not drinking from the spring.  Did you know that it is sin to not satisfy yourself with God?  God wants us to find satisfaction in Him.  He has provided for this to be the case – that every hunger and thirst and longing that you can possible have can find its full satisfaction in (and only in) God.

     The second evil is that the people tried to satisfy their thirst by other means.  Namely, instead of drinking from the spring they build cisterns to catch rain water.  Moreover, the cisterns they build were broken.  Even if the rain falls, it will simply leak out of the cisterns.  This is us trying to satisfy ourselves with everything but God.  Girlfriends and boyfriends, possessions and popularity, good grades and a great career, power and fame, idols and empty philosophies can all be broken cisterns if we are seeking satisfaction in them instead of in God.  Listen to the invitation of God:

     “Come, everyone who thirsts, come to the waters; and he who has no money, come, buy and eat!  Come, buy wine and milk without money and without price.  Why do you spend your money for that which is not bread, and your labor for that which does not satisfy?”  (Isa. 55:1-2a)

     Jesus answered her, “If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, ‘Give me a drink’ you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water . . . whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again.  That water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”  (John 4:10-14)

     John Piper is worth quoting here, “God is most glorified in you when you are most satisfied in Him.”

[By the way, if you are just joining us I’ve been going through my old journals and sharing them, unedited, with the world.  The black text is straight from my journals (Cody in his early twenties).  The orange text is present-day Cody (early 30s, yikes!) reflecting and commenting.  Enjoy!]

The following entry is from the day of my 20^th birthday.  I think you’ll be able to tell that things with me and my girlfriend, Faith, were starting to really unravel.

September 6, 1997 – 11:21 AM

     Not the best birthday ever, but it was pleasant enough.  I don’t like Faith being stressed out.  In fact, I really hate it!  It’s almost like she can’t think of anything else.  She can’t even miss me!  She can’t even take the time to call me or anything.  I feel like I will be unable to ever surprise her [surprise visit] because she’s got too much homework.  I don’t want to have to have an appointment to call her.  How long, Lord, will I have to wait for her?  And will I be too exhausted then to care?

     I love her.  Sometimes I wish I didn’t!  Why do I have to hurt all the time?  It must be really convenient just to be able to miss someone when you want to.  I’d love to be able to get too busy to miss her!

     I really hope she doesn’t become a “performer.” The way she talked tonight about singing made me think she knew more about it before she started school that she does now.

     I have to say, when I look back on those times before I got married, I cringe a little.  Every once in awhile, I will have a dream in which I’m still unmarried and dating.  Usually those dreams start off fine until I realize I am not with my wife.  Once it hits me that Katherine and I aren’t married, I start getting really scared.  When I wake up and discover my wife asleep next to me it ALWAYS comes as a tremendous relief.  What I’m saying is, I really don’t envy you people that are still in the thick of dating, courting, singleness.

    What was my big problem?  Well, I think there were many.  For one, I wasn’t particularly discerning about the girls that I would date.  I don’t want you to read that as a criticism of them.  As a matter of fact, I dated some really remarkable girls.  But just because someone is “awesome” doesn’t mean that you need to go date them or fall in love with them.  I jumped into relationships very quickly and without much critical thinking.  If I liked the girl and the girl liked me (at least to some extent), that was all it took.  We would date and pretty soon I was using words like “love” and “the one.”  Not long after that one or both of us would be very hurt.  Sometimes the carnage was pretty significant.

     I keep going back to the idea that I just didn’t have anyone in my life that I could hear wisdom from about my romantic relationships.  I tended to surround myself with counselors that would tell me what I wanted to hear.  Oh, I thought they were so wise because, after all, what they said agreed with what I already believed.  I’m thinking about a proverb from the Bible, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy” (Pr. 27:6).  Do I have friends in my life that are faithful enough to wound me – to tell me the truth when they know I don’t want to hear it?  When I was 20-years-old, I didn’t put this kind of friend into my life.  I had plenty of friends, but no one that was willing to wound me for my own good.  Well, I take that back.  There were a couple here and there.  But I pretty much rejected what they had to say and tried not to spend a whole lot of time with them.  If I had received the faithful wounds of my friends, I certainly would have avoided many massive hurts to myself and others.  I certainly would have avoided much sin. 

     Do you have an accountability partner?  That is someone that you meet with regularly who is willing to speak truth into your life.  Have you given someone permission to ask you the tough questions about your personal life, your relationships, your walk with the Lord?  Can you hear wisdom?

[By the way, if you are just joining us I’ve been going through my old journals and sharing them, unedited, with the world.  The black text is straight from my journals (Cody in his early twenties).  The orange text is present-day Cody (early 30s, yikes!) reflecting and commenting.  Enjoy!]

I’m going to use most of the space today to just let Young Cody do some talking.  I’ll insert just a couple comments here and there.

September 4, 1997 – 10:51 AM

     I haven’t been able to talk to Faith much today or last night.  I do get to talk to God though, and He really lifts me up and makes me feel good and in ways that she cannot.  Satan really wants to get me to think negative thoughts about our relationship.  I wonder why he’s working so hard.  I’ve got this plan of his down now.  He’ll probably get frustrated and try something else.  He is pretty interested in our relationship.  I wonder why?

     You know, there just isn’t much free time in life.  I know that things will get busier too!  I understand how Faith feels overwhelmed.  I wish I could help her.  I could be more encouraging to her studying. [It’s true that things just get busier.  College really isn’t anything compared to what many folks experience once they begin their careers. I’d say you better start practicing balance and seeking first the Kingdom of God right now.  If you don’t, you may never get it figured out.]

     I got to lead a little boy to Christ.  This is the only place that I have made known my involvement in his conversion.  Maybe that’s a step in the right direction.  I’ll pray for Darren. [So much for secrecy.]

September 5, 1997

     Happy birthday, Faith!

     (Rom. 7:21) In every good and noble thing we Christians try to do (even when seeking the will of God), Satan tries to work out a plan of evil – church, relationships, etc.  (Rom. 7:22) We desire God, we have a pure motive and want to glorify the Father.  (Rom. 7:23) A war is waged.  Satan plants impure motives – desires that are selfish, doubts, fears.  (Rom. 7:24) We need help in our trouble.  (Rom. 7:25) We have help!  (Rom. 8:1) Christ sets us free.  To be consumed by Jesus Christ means wings not chains!  [How important it is to be daily engaging the Bible and mining it for spiritual truth that applies to the things you are currently dealing with!  Have you spent time reading the Bible slowly and meditatively?  Do it! Now is a great time.]

     So let’s identify the warring parties and the battleground. 

                Battleground:   the relationship between Faith and I

                God:      He wants to bring joy, love, spiritual growth, and glorification of Himself

                Satan:   He wants to bring worries, doubts, fears, misdirected reliance, self-absorption, pain, loneliness

     Now, let’s kick some satanic butt! [It may sound silly, but Young Cody isn’t wrong here.  Our spiritual enemy, Satan, is working hard to seriously mess us up. It can be a very good practice to pause and consider relationships and situations that you find yourself in from this perspective.  Asking these questions can be so helpful:  What is God wanting to do here?  What is Satan trying to do?  And by the way, don’t just answer those questions off the top of your head.  Dig into the Bible to find the answers.]

10:36 PM

     Another day bites the dust!  I went to the Blanchard ball game tonight and had some good results.  We may even have seven kids in Sunday school!  Also me, Briana (who decided she wants to visit), and maybe (PLEASE GOD!) Faith.

     Briana doesn’t appear to be a follower of Jesus.  It is not that she is so corrupt or anything, it is just that I don’t think she fully understands salvation.  I want to witness to her.  Sunday will be great. [Are there people in your life right now that you are seeking to share Christ with? Are you praying for them?  Are you inviting them to hang out with your believing friends?]

     I really want Faith to be there.  The kids would love it.  I would love it.  It would probably be good for Briana.  I think it would be good for Faith too.  I miss her!  We haven’t talked much lately.  She’s been too busy.  It is so easy to become discouraged. [Hmmm . . . this doesn’t look good.]

Okay, I’ll leave things there for this week.  Let me know if you have anything you need to talk about.

Blessings,

Old Cody

[By the way, if you are just joining us I’ve been going through my old journals and sharing them, unedited, with the world.  The black text is straight from my journals (Cody in his early twenties).  The orange text is present-day Cody (early 30s, yikes!) reflecting and commenting.  Enjoy!]

Okay, today’s entry gets off the subject of dating and romance and gets into some of the things I was dealing with in my college classes.

September 3, 1997 – 9 AM

     I need to pray for Briana [classmate] , she may very well be a Christian [i.e. follower of Jesus] .  God helped me to witness to her some.  I didn’t quite get into the Gospel, but we talked a lot about God and the Bible.  Got to go for now.

“You aren’t old enough to be married and you won’t be then either.”

-          My history professor

     My history professor knows his stuff.  Key to good Bible teaching: know your stuff!  How? God will teach you.

      I am glad I am a Christian.  I pray for humility.  I like telling people that I’m a youth minister.  I recognize that this is no accomplishment of my own, but people sometimes seem pretty impressed by that.  That’s a dumb motive.  I’m seeing too much pride and self-righteousness in my life.  I repent!

     It made me angry in my English class today when my professor said that Lot spent time worshipping God in the temple.  I corrected her, saying that there were no temples in Sodom.  She quickly snapped, “Sure there were!” Realizing that it would accomplish little to continue arguing, I shut up.  I will however write a paper on the subject.  Probably very brief.  She can understand that.  Perhaps God will write it for me, drawing her to Himself.

     It has occurred to me that the only way to view the Bible is as TRUTH—absolutely.  Of course,  I knew this, but today confirmed it.  When others try to dissect the Bible as merely literature, it seems absolutely foolish.

You know, the last several entries have provided a lot of material for me to self-critique.  It is kind of easy for me to look back on my life and see the warts.  This entry is no exception.  However, I’m going to go ahead and cut myself some slack today.  I mean, there’s actually some really good stuff here.  Let me just share some of the thoughts that come to mind. I’ll do it this way—I’ll pretend I’m speaking into the life of 19-year-old Cody as an older mentor-type. 

Dear Young Cody,

     I have to say, I was encouraged to read your latest journal entry.  You may not see it, but I see evidence of God’s work all over you.  He’s clearly moving in your life to shape you and raise you up into the man of God He wants you to be.  None of these experiences are wasted, Cody.  God is working them all together for His great purpose in your life (Rom. 8:28, Eph. 1:11).  Just wait.  You’ll see one day.

     Cody, I did want to comment on a few specifics from your entry.  First, congratulations for being vigilant for witnessing opportunities in your classes.  I know you.  I know that sharing your faith is not easy for you.  Trust me when I say that it will, in time, get a LOT easier.  For now though, I think it’s wonderful that you are taking risks in your relationship with Briana to insert spiritual truth into your conversations.  Keep doing that.  I’m reminded of a Scripture that tells us to “season” our conversations with “salt” (Col. 4:6).  I think this is exactly what you’re doing.  You really don’t have to give a full “plan of salvation” presentation every time someone makes eye contact with you.  But be faithful to season your encounters with Jesus and to be on the lookout for God to give you opportunities to share more fully the Way of life with your classmates.

     I’ve noticed that you’ve referred to your history professor a few times in your journal.  I think it’s truly great that you are gleaning truth from that class.  It’s a great gift to be able to mine those treasures in unexpected places.  I know a lot of believers that just assume that God isn’t going to speak in their classes or at their jobs or in other mundane settings.  Most of these people don’t hear Him at church or in their quiet times either.  Train yourself to hear God and see God in all kinds of places.  I mean is He omnipresent or isn’t He?  A.W. Tozer says that God “fills the world with His speaking voice.”  He calls God “continuously articulate.”  Actually, I think this ability to see God where He is and hear Him when He speaks has a lot to do with what is meant by putting on the “shield of faith.”  Faith sees Him and hears Him – beholds Him and is transformed into His image as a result.  You’ll be surprised at how many fiery darts of Satan fall harmlessly to the ground when your eyes and ears learn to fixate on Jesus in the everyday (2 Cor. 3:18, Eph. 6:16, Heb. 12:2).

     I’m also encouraged by the fact that you seem to be spending some time examining yourself.  Testing your motivations and confessing your sin is going to be a discipline that you will need to exercise the rest of your life.  If you stop doing it, you will soon drift into a kind of spiritual darkness and despair that you can’t imagine.  God already knows what is going on in your inmost being (Heb. 4:12-13).  You might as well be honest and open before Him.  You need to know well your own frailty.  You need to know your need.  This will keep you falling on Him, leaning on Him, depending on Him.  Time and again you will see why that attitude of utter dependence is absolutely essential for your life and joy in Jesus (Prov. 3:5-6).

     Finally, let me just say that I’m proud of you for being willing to stand up for truth.  Your “battle” with your English professor may have been a very minor skirmish, but bigger battles will come and you’ll need to be ready to stand.  Keep your eyes on Jesus and keep growing more and more in your knowledge of the truth.  It is vital that you learn to defend the faith with gentleness and respect, love and tact.  You’ll get there.  When you do, your courage and skill to stand firm against attacks will bring glory to the Lord Jesus, will encourage weaker believers, and will (believe it or not) actually be used by the Holy Spirit to persuade non-believers.  Remember, defending the faith is not an optional activity for Christ-followers.  It is a command (1 Pet. 3:15).

     Okay, well that’s all for now.  I look forward to reading your next entry.

Many blessings,

Old Cody

Just when I think it can’t get worse . . .

September 2, 1997 – 2 AM

     Did I win a victory to deserve such a prize?  I just got off the phone with Faith.  We’ve talked since 11 PM.  Good news.  I think she fell in love with me today.  So did I learn the lesson that God wanted me to?  Is that why He answered my prayer?  It’s probably just because he’s so loving and kind.  She really missed me today!  When you’re alone in your loneliness, it’s a lot lonelier.  So, I’m glad she misses me too.  I like calling her “Curly.” She likes me calling her “honey.”  Oh, how fun to be sappy!

     Well, what can I say? That’s just hardcore me, right there.  I was head over heels in love with that girl and in the moments when it seems mutual, I was on cloud nine.  Gosh, I can barely remember those eternal phone calls.  I hate talking on the phone nowadays.  Not sure how I ever did it back then.  Do you younger-type people still do that with your significant others?  Talk for hours?  I’m not even sure what I would talk about.  I’m pretty sure we just did a lot of breathing. 

     Anyway, I guess I don’t really have anything profound to say about this entry—just a goofy “in-love” moment.  Kind of makes me sick now.  Kind of makes me smile too.  Perhaps the most significant thing I can say in reflection is that God still loved me, even when I was acting like a moron.

“How precious is your steadfast love, O God! The children of mankind take refuge in the shadow of your wings.”

(Psa 36:7 ESV)

Here’s a bit more . . .

9:50 AM

Memory Verse: Galatians 6:10

     “Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially  to those who belong to the family of believers.”

     I really need to begin to seize opportunities to serve others!  By this they will see Jesus in me.

     My motives need to be redirected.  Lord, remind me to do things in a way that will not draw attention to me.

10:45 PM

     What a long day this has been!  God is good to me though.  The girls at work are so interested in my relationship with Faith (I’m guessing it is because I wouldn’t shut up about her).  They want to meet her.  I like showing her off, so I will probably take her by sometime.  I’m in love.  It’s really great too.  I’m trying to call her now.  All circuits are busy (You gotta think pre-cell phone age).  I should be sleeping.  Oh, well!  I’ll worry about that tomorrow.

     Well, that’s enough for one week.  Hey guys, I know a bunch of you are really freaked out about life right now.  Stressed about school, relationships, whatever.  Look, sometimes you might need to lighten up a little bit.  Take a deep breath.  Grab a Bible and go hide in the library and just forget everything else for about an hour.  Laugh at yourself before the Lord and let Him speak wisdom and peace into your life.

See you at Noonday!

Make it stop!

Look guys, I’m not sure I can just keep sharing all this stuff.  It gets pretty embarrassing.  Well, anyway, the saga continues below . . .

August 31, 1997

     Where do I start? Life is a struggle for me.  My desires are so obvious . . . finally.  Oh, golly! Is it wrong that I’m so much happier with Faith than without her?  I know that God should be my joy, but if she makes me happy is it because He doesn’t?  I don’t think so.  We had such a good time together tonight.  She is so precious to me.  I certainly don’t need any lightning or thunder, but there is another Man [i.e. God] in her life.  I really don’t want to live my life looking forward to the next time I see her.  It is very painful that way.  But, maybe I’m supposed to.

     Oh God, make her fall in love with me!  I can’t believe I let her get to me like this so soon.  I love her and that is kind of frustrating right now.  I’ll talk to her via phone tomorrow, but you can’t hug a phone [okay, really wanted to edit that part out].  I wish I would have held her more when she wanted me to. 

     It’s official:  I’m a sap.  I wonder if she’ll ever read this?  Ha!  She doesn’t know how scary.

     Yeah, so, really thought about skipping this entry.  I mean, I was totally losing it by this point in my relationship with Faith.  She was just very unclear about her intentions with me and I was just very “in love” with her.  And if you’ve ever been in that situation before, you know how crappy it can feel. 

     One thing I remember about this time was that I had been trying very hard not to just write everything I was feeling in my journal—there was to be no “diary-diarrhea” for me.  I was afraid of going back years later and being embarrassed.  You know, like how I feel today.  What’s interesting to me about that is that at age 19, I had an awareness of the fact that with life experience would come perspective.  That, however emotional I was feeling at the time, I would see things at least somewhat differently when I was 25 or 30 or 40.  I seemed to have an underlying belief that I really didn’t know everything or have all the answers.  This, of course, isn’t to say that everything always gets clearer with age or that you can’t really know anything with confidence in your youth.  But in those days, what it meant for me was that I had at least some degree of humility regarding my thought life.  I can see that in the entry above.  I was questioning and wondering, not just proclaiming things as undeniable fact.  Acknowledging my certainty, sure, but also my uncertainty.   

     I think there is something to that.  I think it is important for me still today to recognize that age and experience will continue to impact and shape me.  That when I’m 50, I will think differently about some things than I do now.  Maybe about parenting or politics or whatever.  Still, I have to act with conviction now.  That being the case, I find myself driven to the Bible because I know the foundation there is solid and unchanging.  If I can let the Bible inform my life, my values, my behavior, my decisions – I can act with true confidence.  But I also must act with humility.  Not the false humility of our age that foolishly suggests that all truth is relative and nothing can truly be known – that’s just silly.  Rather, a true humility that acknowledges my real limitations – my age, my culture, my experience, my language, etc. 

     I wonder if that makes any sense.  Especially if you are dealing with some very tangible hurt – a break up, an addiction, a crisis of belief, family struggles, a disease, or something else.  I guess I just think about the confusion, the desperation, the hopelessness that one can feel in those times.  I’ve been there.  And the humility that I’m really talking about is a kind that says, “Just because I can’t figure out what the answers are right now, doesn’t mean that they don’t exist.”  It is this kind of humility that can drive us to the Bible, to an older man or woman of God who can speak into our lives, to a community of faith that can surround us with love and wisdom, truth and Jesus.  And that is exactly where we need to be.

Well, I finally reached the end of my long fast-from-the-girlfriend week.  If you remember, I planned to surprise her by visiting her at her dorm.  I had in mind a pretty fairy tale-like moment.  Well . . .

August 30, 1997 2:48 PM

     Sometimes I just want to throw my hands up in the air and say, “I GIVE UP!” –to whoever’s listening.  I dreamed of Faith last night.  That dream was that I surprised her today and that her response was not nearly as good as I hoped.  Well, I guess you could say that today was a dream come true.

     I wanted it to be like when I surprised her weeks ago at the camp where she was working.  I wanted her face to light up.  I wanted her to be overjoyed.  I know she had to have loved me! I don’t care how long we’ve known each other – just everything she did used to show it.  I knew it.

     Now, it’s like nothing she does seems to totally convince me.  So what happened? Perhaps it was the sin.  She seems to feel guilty still.  I am so glad that God’s grace took away shame and guilt.  He forgives, what makes Him Savior is His power to forget.

     First, let me deal frankly with the phrase “the sin” that appears in the paragraph above.  By the grace of God and the skin of my teeth, I am glad that when I married my wife, Katherine, we were both virgins.  I think that is extraordinarily important.  And maybe we should talk about that more sometime in this blog.  But I want to add here the fact—the confession—that I made a lot of mistakes in my physical relationships with girls I dated before marriage.  Ughh . . . I feel uncomfortable getting into this. 

     Physical intimacy is just a very slippery slope, I found.  What would begin with a kiss, leads to so much more and pretty soon things get out of hand.  Instead of having a relationship that is driven by love, friendship, and mutual respect; you have one that is too often driven by lust.  Faith and I had gotten too involved physically – more than what we felt good about.  At least in a couple moments, lust had taken the driver’s seat.  And our hearts were deeply convicted.

     Honestly, I don’t know why there is so much debate about premarital physical intimacy – the wrongness of it.  I had the debates myself – with myself.  As long as you are not having sex, I would argue, it wasn’t sinful.  Seems a dumb argument now.  It apparently didn’t matter that I was, in those moments, totally self-indulgent and uncaring.  It didn’t matter that I put my own fleshly desires ahead of the conscience of my girlfriend. 

     I remember hearing a story about a king that was interviewing potential charioteers.  The first said, “I am so good that I can take your chariot at full speed right up to within a foot of a high cliff and bring it to a quick stop – keeping you perfectly safe.”  The second charioteer said, “That’s nothing, I’ll get to within an inch of the cliff and come to a safe stop.”  The king was impressed and then turning to the third said, “And what about you?  Why should I hire you?”  The last charioteer said simply, “Oh King, if I’m your charioteer, I won’t get anywhere near the cliff.”

     I never could figure out where to draw the line between what kind of physical intimacy was okay and what was sinful for the unmarried follower of Jesus.  I think you have to question your motivations – love or lust?  Selfless or selfish?  I think you have to seek to avoid the cliffs.  Not try to get as close as possible without sinning.  Flee from the cliffs (1 Cor. 6:18, 2 Tim. 2:22).  There’s no glory in that kind of risk.

     At some point, we should also talk about guilt and embracing the forgiveness of God.  That’s a pretty big deal.

     I have such a yearning.  I’m so disappointed.  I wish I wasn’t.  I know it’s not Christ-like to feel the way I do.

     I just knew today would give me the answer I wanted.

4:55 PM

     Peace.

     For the record, I don’t think that feeling sad and disappointed is unChrist-like.  I guess I felt that way then for some reason.  That’s stupid.  Jesus was sad a number of times (i.e. John 11:35, Luke 19:41).

     Anyway, the disappointment that I felt about the way my relationship with Faith was going was pretty extreme.  I think I remember throwing lawn furniture.  Maybe that wasn’t Christ-like.  It’s not like I was cleansing a temple or anything.  Well, Faith hadn’t broken up with me, but she’d really confused me.  I don’t remember all the details now.  But I do remember that girls are really confusing.

Last week we saw an entry where I was determined to be on the lookout for God on what was otherwise a very ordinary day.  Today I’ll share the account of how I actually experienced God in the mundane.  Little longer than normal today, enjoy!

August 29, 1997 9:26 AM

     TGIF! Well, I had a good Thursday.  Essentially it was a day that resulted in a bit of reconciliation.  This just hit me.  Perhaps it is because I’m sitting in my history class right now.  Booker T. Washington – he knew that African-Americans would not achieve equal rights immediately, but that there was a process that they would have to go through.  He was willing to accept the time and work involved.  Laura (my ex) and I won’t be the friends that we need to be immediately.  Last night she apologized for the way she had been behaving and expressed her desire to be able to share openly and honestly with each other.  Well, like Booker, I accept the process involved in being able to do that.

     I want to be able to have her rejoice with me in my relationships (i.e. with Faith).  My role is to lay down my life for Laura so that one day she will be able to do that.

     Okay, present-day-Cody just has to break in here at this point.  I mean, what a friggin’ idiot!  Did you get that? I actually thought that it was possible that my ex-girlfriend could get to the point of being happy about the girl I starting going out with right after her.  If this is not a testimony to the importance of having a mentor in your life I don’t know what it.  I had one at the time, but it was my ex-girlfriend’s mother.  So, on these issues, I was understandably less-than forthright.  So, once again, let me just ask you the question:  Are you in a dating / romantic relationship right now? If so, what older, wiser, godlier person are you letting in on that relationship? Have you really shared what’s going on in that relationship?  What’s going on in your heart?  Does your mentor have permission to speak into your life?  CAN YOU HEAR WISDOM OR CAN YOU ONLY HEAR THINGS AS WISE IF YOU ALREADY AGREE WITH THEM? 

     That’s so important.  The ability to hear wisdom can be measured by your ability to be corrected.  This can apply to many areas of life.  Of course, I am mentioning dating / romantic issues here.  And I’ll say this, I have seen this kind of problem SO MANY TIMES in the lives of young adults who want to follow Jesus, are convinced they know “God’s will” for their relationships, but prove totally unable to hear wisdom about those relationships.  Are you like that? I was, and it sucks.  So stop it! Get a real mentor.  Okay, back to the journal . . .

     So, like I said, I’m in history class right now.  I think Booker T. was an amazing man.  He made the statement that both whites and blacks should forget everything in the past (or at least “throw off the hindrances of the past”) and “put their buckets down where they are.”  That’s good advice for the person who doesn’t know Jesus.  Forget your life and be with God.  Everything can change.

     I’ll say this.  Whether my thoughts sound super intelligent to me now or not, I am inspired by the fact that “being on the lookout for God” enabled me to hear His whisper even in a history class.  That’s a good thing.  It was a real encouragement to me on that day, and that’s enough to encourage me to be on the lookout for God today.

     I couldn’t really find God in my psych class though.

11:00 AM

     I wonder what Faith is doing.  Psychology class is so boring. 

6:54 PM

     I can hardly believe that this week is finally reaching an end.  This definitely hasn’t been a miserable experience.  Overall, I feel that I have been strengthened spiritually.  What is it about a fast that can bring you into a state of clearer thinking?

     I can’t help but feel some anxiety in facing this weekend.  I really don’t know what to expect.  What will Faith’s reaction be when she sees me?  Will we be able to spend the entire day together? Will she want to go to church with me?  She may even have to work on Sunday.  Yada-yada-yada.  So I take it all and throw it to Jesus.  I’m motivated by the Spirit and a willingness to follow His will.  I believe tomorrow will be a very satisfying spiritual experience.  I believe that the remainder of (or at least some of) my questions will be answered.  In the hours to come, I will seek His presence and purpose.

     Okay, so I mentioned this fast before I think.  Basically, I was in a relationship with a girl that was getting very confusing.  We agreed to fast from each other – no contact at all – for 1 week.  I was planning then to go see her at the end of that week.  I just want to say here that I remember being super anxious about seeing her again.  I was so worried that she just wouldn’t love me or be my girlfriend or whatever.  The anxiety was something that I battled all week, but I remember intentionally trying to avoid journaling about it.  It was a real chore to trust in the Lord during that time.  I remember that sometimes I would just quote Proverbs 3:5-6 to myself – praying, “Lord, help me to trust you.  Lord, help me to lean on you.  Lord, in all my ways, help me to acknowledge you.  Lord, make my paths straight.”  It got to where every time I found myself worrying about this issue I would start praying that.  It may sound a bit strange, but doing so was so effective in helping take those thought captive and keep them from leading me into doubt and despair.

11:51 PM

     Well, the fast will be officially over in a few minutes.  I guess I could call her.  But I don’t want to risk blowing tomorrow’s surprise.  I’m struggling with Satan.  By the grace of God I’ve come really far this week.  I won’t let myself think these thoughts.  I won’t even humor Satan by recording them.  They will be obedient to Christ!

What I know:

·         I’m glad we fasted!

·         It was long and very difficult.

·         Satan furiously and desperately attacked me.

·         God held me up.  He won!

·         Jesus really is my best friend.

·         He makes everything clear.

·         He alone is the real joy-giver.

·         I’m kind of nervous about seeing Faith.

·         My love for Faith is an “agape” – Christ-like love.

·         I will tell her that I love her in as many different ways as I possibly can, so that she’ll believe me.

·         I was very tempted to leave those last two out.  Maybe no one will read this far down the blog.

·         Even if she doesn’t love me, God has given me a powerful love and we can be great friends.

·         God is so good to me.

·         “All I can ask will be much more than given.”

·         Everything I am, all that I do, whenever others praise that which appears to come from me, I know it is all from God.

·         What I don’t know doesn’t matter . . .

o   For I know my tomorrows bring their own sorrows.  I can’t fore see today.  But if I know God, He’ll find a way to bless me.  It’s just like Him.

     Well, it all sounds nice and optimistic.  But what really happened when I saw Faith the next day?  Who was really in for a surprise?  I’ll leave that for next time.

Many blessings,

Cody

     Well, what was going on in my head roughly 11 years ago?  Here is it . . .

August 28, 1997 10:47 AM

God has something very special for me today.  As I go to work, I expect something spiritual today.  I’ll have to tell you about it tomorrow.  I’ll be staying over at a friend’s house tonight.  So, see ya!

     I wrestle a little bit with how much of my journal to share with you guys.  I mean, do I really need to go through every day?  But then, on what basis do I edit?  Do I take out the boring stuff?  Do I take out the embarrassing stuff?  I haven’t figured it out yet.  So far, I’m just sharing as much as I can.

     Not much of an entry here, huh?  But something about it strikes me as so good.  I mean this was basically me willing myself to believe God wanted to take that day – that very mundane, ordinary day – and do something with it.  I really don’t think it was that as a 19-year-old I just automatically had this great attitude and sense of divine expectation all the time.  I mean, there really were days that just sort of blurred by and that have since faded into the unconscious past.  But I love that on that day, I just determined in my heart to be on the lookout for God.

     Seems like it has been a while since I’ve done that.

     This morning I caught up on some sleep and then spent some time reading the Bible.  I’ve been trying to read the whole Bible through this year.  So I came across Psalm 118.  In verse 24, I read this very famous line, “This is the day that the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it!”  Well, I don’t know the exact day that this songwriter was referring to, but I have to ask myself about today, “Isn’t this day made by God too?  Shouldn’t I rejoice and be glad in it?” 

     I’ll make you a promise.  If you really look for God to show up today, you will find Him.  Really the only question is whether or not you are willing to look.

Shall we continue this trip down memory lane?  Got some dating stuff in this one:

August 27, 1997 11:05 PM

     Sometimes I think we Christians may get a bit carried away. 

If I know God,

He’ll find a way to bless me.

It’s just like Him,

To turn things around.

“Be joyful always.” 1 Thes. 5:16

     I want desperately for Faith and I to pursue our relationship “full-blast.”  I want that to be God’s will.  Why wouldn’t it be? God wants me to experience joy. I get in the habit of waiting around for some magical sign to say, “YES!”  I get to thinking that I want something too bad for God to also want it.  But it’s not all that impossible for God and I to actually want the same thing, right?  So I have decided to set out the “fleece.”  I believe God’s hand is in this.  I’m not in a hurry.  I just have a strong desire to be with her and to love her.  God will always be in the middle, I believe that this week has solidified that.  The “fleece” is Saturday.  If she decides that she wants to pursue this, then I will take it as God’s will for our lives.  Besides, God can always say “No” and I can usually pick up on that more easily.  God is the one rejoicing with me.  I know that He holds both our hands to comfort and guide us.

     She is really special.  Most girls would try to figure out some ulterior motive behind this fast.  “Is he wanting to go out with someone else?  Is he dumping me?” Not her.  She saw it as God’s will even when I wasn’t for sure. Now I’m sure.  That doesn’t mean I no longer miss her!  I do!  Two days left.  God has something else for me.  I hope she is at peace.  I can’t imagine doing homework for 16 hours.  That’s really sick!

     I sat behind a girl in my history class that I believe had a weave.  That was a first for me.  Church was really good this weekend.

THINGS I KNOW . . .

- I love Faith

- I want to be her boyfriend

- Somehow I will see her this Saturday

- God

     When I was 19, I was really messed up about some things.  Mostly, I found dating to be an absolute mystery.  As you can read from this entry, I was pretty infatuated with a girl that I couldn’t quite figure out.  We had dated some and there were some cool things happening, but there was also a lot of confusion.  At the time of this entry, we had decided (it was my idea) to fast from each other for a week.  No contact for seven days.  It was really difficult to get through, but I was convinced then that I was having a really hard time seeing things clearly.  The fast helped some, but not completely.  You know my biggest problem was that in my dating relationships, I was really never open to advice and criticism – an outsider perspective.  I refused to see wisdom as wisdom unless I agreed to it. 

     It is difficult for me to look back at these entries because of all the mistakes I know I made in dating relationships.  Ughh . . . I mean, I hurt perfectly nice and godly young women just because I was stupid.  I’m not saying it was all my fault, but there was a lot of fault on my part.  If I could go back in time and change anything, I would seek to be more open to what friends and mentors were saying to me.  I would be much more hesitant to call certain relationships “God’s will.”

     Here’s a question for you daters out there.   Can you hear wisdom from others about your romantic relationships?  Or do you only hear what you want to hear?  I had a really hard time with this and I expect that many of you do as well.  Give it some thought.

Blessings to you!

Cody

Let’s turn back the clock eleven years.  My first day of classes as a third semester freshman . . .

August 27, 1997 7:22AM

     Well, it’s another wacky Wednesday.  It begins with what must be a grease stain from my ham, egg and cheese sandwich this morning – huh-huh.  So, I look like a slob, so what!  I’ve got a great illustration for my sermon, I’m excited.  This should be a busy day.  You know, I’ve been really looking forward to the end of this week, and it has just hit me – I’m still in the midst of this week.  God has things to show me and teach me.  I’ve got to put God where He goes.

     Faith [my girlfriend at the time] is probably getting ready for her first ever college class.  It’s quite possible that she will experience fear and stress today.  I must pray.

11:00AM

     Remind me to tell you about the people I met today.  Okay, later!

12:09PM

     Okay, school today was kind of good.  In English, I met a girl named Briana.  She’s nice and very pretty.  She, uh, gave me her phone number and I didn’t even ask for it.  I didn’t conceal my Christianity at all (telling her about my ministry , etc.), but she still seemed to be interested in me.  However, I can tell that Briana (if she is a Christian) is not in love with Jesus.  I will pursue a friendship and hope she doesn’t pursue more. 

     As I left my Psych class, I met Heather.  She invited me to a Bible study on Thursday nights.  I would be interested, but I work on Thursday nights.  She might make a good friend.

     As a Christian, my goal should be to bear Christ.  If I were bearing my chest, then I would be walking around without a shirt and when people saw me they would think, “Hey, I see that guy’s chest.”  Christ-bearing works the same way.  If I bear Christ, everyone can see that I’m a Christian and not ashamed of it.  Some people should hide their chests (like me).  But Christ is too awesome to hide!  Today, by the grace of God, I bore Christ on campus.  I’m glad.  Our psychology professor asked each of us to say our name and something about ourselves.  I said, “I’m Cody Lorance.  I’m a youth & music director in Blanchard [Oklahoma], and I love Jesus a whole lot!” He said, “Blanchard?”

     And so the journey through my life begins.  I was 19 years old when I wrote this entry.  I was beginning my 2^nd year of college – though I was still technically a freshman—at a community college in Oklahoma City.  I was extremely confused about women and had just begun a new relationship with a girl in the worst way – more about that another time.  Anyway, I was facing the new semester with fresh resolve to really put on Jesus Christ and to live for Him.  I wanted to make a difference on my campus for God’s Kingdom, and I really wanted God to help me figure out how to have healthy relationships with the opposite sex.  It was a tricky time in my life.  But, as I reflect back, I can see that I was looking in the right place.  In my extreme confusion and desire to not waste my life, I was looking to Jesus.  He was faithfully working in my heart to truly hold first place in my life.  Somehow, Jesus was seeping through the cracks and imperfections of Cody and becoming visible to those around me.

     What kind of resolve to face this new semester with?  In a thousand years, will what you did with this semester matter?  Are you looking to Jesus in the midst of your confusion?  Can others see Him in you?

Hi there!

I’d like to take this opportunity to just welcome you all back (or for the first time) to the College of DuPage for what promises to be another exciting semester in the “Fishbowl.”  This will be my 3^rd year on the campus – no, I’m not a student, but I’ve been directing the 1Stone ministry for all that time.  If you are new here, I’ll just say that I really do think that COD is an amazing place.  And if you aren’t new, and you disagree . . . open your eyes dude!

I’ll say this from the outset:  God has a plan for you that He’ll be unfolding in the coming weeks and months as you wander the halls of COD.  He loves you.  He made you.  And you aren’t a part of this school by accident.  We at 1Stone would love to be a part of helping you discover God and His plan for you while you are here.

Anyway, let me tell you my plan for this “Ramblings” section of the website.  Recently, I was going through some old journals of mine.  I used to journal a lot back in the day.  Especially when I was a young college student confused about life.  I have found that this stuff that I’d written about a decade ago is actually pretty rich in places.  Some of it is stupid, of course, but there really is some good stuff.  So, my plan is this.  To post here a selection from some old journal of mine and then interact with it briefly.  It will be 20-year-old Cody conversing with 30-year-old Cody.  In the process, I hope some cool stuff will emerge.  I hope we’ll all be blessed. 

And by the way, I promise not to edit much.  You really don’t benefit from just a whitewashed version of younger me.  You need the warts and all.  I’ll do my best to provide it.  So, stay tuned for new additions here every 3-4 days. 

Blessings to you, see you on campus soon!

Cody

     And then someone recognized them.  “It’s Jesus of Nazareth!” they heard a voice call out in the distance.  As Jesus made his way towards the town, the Twelve followed closely behind and watched as the news of his arrival rapidly spread.  Soon the crowds were swelling again.  People were bringing the sick and afflicted, even carrying them on mats.  They were pressing in, begging just to touch the edge of his cloak – this they did and were healed. 

     Jesus then made his way towards the synagogue of Capernaum.  The disciples began noticing people from the night before and must have wondered if the whole world was now clamoring to see him.  And then Jesus stopped.  They were at the synagogue now and Jesus was standing looking at the crowd.  Thousands had gathered—the multitude seemed countless, greater than the day before.  A voice broke in, “Rabbi, when did you get here?”

     The Twelve looked on as Jesus delivered a stinging rebuke to the crowd.  He began to say things that the disciples weren’t sure they really understood, but couldn’t help but believe—after, well, everything.  And then the grumbling began.  It started slowly but it soon infected the whole crowd.  Now people were shouting at and arguing against Jesus.  Fact is, it all happened so fast and the disciples where so physically and emotionally drained, that they weren’t exactly sure of everything that took place that day.  Somehow, someway, they found themselves at the end of the day—alone with Jesus.  All they knew was that during the course of that day thousands had walked away from their Rabbi—what had only a short time ago seemed like the greatest spiritual awakening in generations had dwindled into nothing in a matter of mere hours. 

     Now, after all that time, they were finally alone with Jesus.  They finally had some peace and quiet.  But none of them, it seemed, could either speak or sleep.  The sleep they had been so long deprived of now seemed to elude them further.  Their bodies ached with soreness as their muscles slowly stiffened.  The sensation of being on that storm-tossed boat was still felt by some of them as they sat in silence.  Their minds were cluttered with images of Jesus multiplying bread and walking on water and the sound of his voice, “Come away with me.  You give them something to eat.  Don’t be afraid.  I am the bread of life.  Whoever feeds on this bread will live forever.”  The rollercoaster of the past couple of days had left them feeling utterly and completely wasted, confused, and broken.

     “You don’t want to leave too, do you?”

Jesus’ words had broken the silence.  They looked up at him and saw that wildness that was always in his eyes.  Just then something seemed to click for a number of them.  This Jesus-thing was simply not what they thought it would be.  Maybe they’d never get their heads around it completely.  Clearly, Jesus was not at all interested in following their game plans or the culturally acceptable scripts.  As long as they followed him, he would continue to inspire, surprise, frighten, and confuse them.  One day, he might even get them killed.  But, what had been said about him last night on the boat was true—he really was the Son of God, the Christ sent from above.  And they, or most of them, really did believe.  Leave? No, this was it for them.  Whatever fallback plans they had, had gotten lost somewhere between Capernaum and the middle of the sea of Galilee.

     And so, after a moment, there was Peter, speaking again for them all—and, they had to admit, this time doing a pretty good job:

 “Where are we gonna go, Jesus? Who else are we going to turn to?  You have the words of eternal life.  The bottom line is, we believe you.  We know you are the Holy One of God!”

     Jesus knew they were afraid.  Here they had been struggling for hours, 12 men at the oars and they had barely made it half-way across the sea.  Jesus, in just a few minutes, strolled upon the sea effortlessly – gaining on them, heck, it seemed at first that he would pass them altogether—the wind and waves seemed to have no affect on Jesus, let alone the fact that you just aren’t supposed to be able to walk on water.  But, as he neared the boat, Jesus took pity on his beloved disciples, shouting, “Take courage, it’s me! Don’t be afraid.”

     The disciples cast skeptical looks at each other while they continued to wrestle with the oars.  “Only one way to find out,” thought the impetuous Peter.  “Lord, if it’s really you, tell me to come to you on the water.” “Come,” replied the Lord.

     And then, before the disciples fully knew what was going on, there was Peter slowly creeping towards the mysterious figure on the water – walking on the water! The wind was still raging, so perhaps only the seasick tax collector, Matthew, hanging his head over the side of the boat witnessed the whole ordeal.  There was Peter walking towards the ghost.  A moment later he was looking disoriented and panicky at the sight of the wind and waves.  And then he was sinking.  A desperate hand was extended, a cry for help, and then there was Jesus firmly clasping the fisherman’s hand.  Now, the two were making their way back to the boat, now climbing into the hull—Peter, wet and panting, practically falling in. 

     And then there was the Lord.  Standing there in the middle of the boat like a conquering hero.  Quite obviously now to everyone, not a ghost.  And quite clearly no mere man.  The oars were still now, like the sea which had all of the sudden grown strangely calm.  The fierce wind had just as quickly become nothing more than a gentle, whispering breeze as the morning sun began to peak up over the Golan Heights in the distance.  The disciples gaped, then knelt, then gave their spent and broken selves over to worship—“Truly you are the Son of God!” someone said.  That seemed about right.

      The night had fully set in by now.  Darkness shrouded the landscape and a strong wind was beginning to blow in from the sea.  Perhaps the disciples were beginning to consider sleeping arrangements when Jesus surprised them once again.  “Tell you what, guys, why don’t you get in the boat and cross the lake for Galilee.  I’ll dismiss the crowd and catch up with you later.”

     What?! He had to be kidding.  The disciples were exhausted at the beginning of the day.  The day had been extremely demanding and they all felt they could sleep for solid week.  Not to mention the fact that in the midst of the miracle feast, the disciples-turned-waiters had barely had a chance to get a nibble.  They were hungry and tired – physically and spiritually.  And now they were supposed to pull an all-nighter struggling to row their boat against the wind for miles? But the look in Jesus’ eyes was unmistakable, so they got in the boat and set out.

     Of course, even though it was very late, the crowds were still feeling very excited.  Some were talking about Jesus as the Messiah, calling him “The Prophet.”  Some had thoughts of making him their king—forcefully if necessary.  For his part, Jesus calmed the crowd, bid them goodnight, and quietly slipped away.  He knew what they intended and wanted no part of it.  Besides, he had set out to pray many hours ago and now was the perfect opportunity.  He had let his prayer plans be delayed, but not destroyed. 

     So, Jesus went up into the surrounding mountains, found a quiet place and spent the rest of the night praying.  We don’t know what he prayed about.  I’m sure he had to talk to God about his Cousin John’s death, about the crowds and Herod, about the disciples, and about where to go from here.  I’d be surprised if there wasn’t a lot of worship happening during that prayer time and psalms quoted and sung. 

     Meanwhile, as the night dragged on, the disciples continued struggling to make headway against the contrary winds.  Their arms and legs screamed with pain as they continued rowing.  The fishermen among them were weak with hunger.  The less-seaworthy were green with nausea.  They all wished they were someplace else, preferably asleep.  I wonder if they thought about Jesus’ invitation hours ago – to come away with him alone, to rest, to eat.  The invitation was to get away from the swarming crowds.  Now, as they fought the wind and waves, I wonder if any of them thought about how it was the crowds who ultimately got to spend time with Jesus, who ate their fill, and who were, even now, resting peacefully.  The disciples, however, were still working, still hungry, and had left Jesus back on the shore.  By now, the confusion and frustration had really set in.  Hearts were hard.  There was likely anger and hurt – no doubt, some of it directed towards Jesus.  What the heck was going on anyways?

      So, I’m thinking about the whole narrative here and especially the perspective of the disciples as it all unfolds.  First off, we know that they have just gotten back from what was essentially a short-term mission trip.  They’ve been going through towns and villages, preaching repentance, casting out demons, and anointing with oil to perform healings.  When they came back, they were all very excited.  They began reporting to Jesus all that they had seen and done.  Meanwhile people were still coming to them.  In fact, so many people where coming and going that the disciples skipping meals in order to meet the needs of the crowds.

     And just when this rapidly growing revival was really starting to get going, Jesus broke in.  Word had come to him at some point that John the Baptist, Jesus’ cousin, had been executed – no doubt, this deeply affected Jesus.  So, in the midst of the craziness, Jesus said to his disciples, “Let’s get out of here for awhile.  You guys come with me to a quiet place, we’ll rest and eat.” So they left the revival – this powerful Messianic movement – to take a day off.

     It wasn’t to be however.  By the time they had anchored their boat at the “lonely place,” the crowds had found them.  Now it seemed there were more people than ever.  Thousands had gathered, bringing their sick with them.  The weary disciples must have sighed when Jesus, filled with compassion, began healing and teaching.  But he had looked at that crowd with a look the disciples had seen before – Jesus had been deeply moved.  He saw a “shepherdless” sheep.  “Here we go again,” the disciples must have thought.

     Well, of course Jesus did and said amazing things as he ministered to the crowd all that day.  The busy disciples grew more exhausted with every passing hour, but they couldn’t help but feel the excitement as well.  Soon, the sun began to make its move towards the western horizon and the disciples agreed that it was time to wrap things up.  Someone managed to pull Jesus aside for a minute to suggest that he send the crowds away to the surrounding towns and villages to find food and shelter. 

     And then, Jesus threw them all for a loop again, “They don’t need to go away.  You give them something to eat.”  I wonder if at this point the disciples began to try to figure this whole thing out.  It seems they counted the people, scouted for food, and calculated the cost of feeding the vast multitude.  Andrew had found the boy with the loaves and fish.  Phillip had determined the budget was too small to provide such a meal.  Their consensus? Nope.  This can’t be done.  Jesus has finally lost it.

     And so, Jesus put them to work again.  Now they were organizing the masses, bunching them up in groups of 50 or 100, getting them to sit down together on the grass.  All the sudden, the sheep didn’t seem so “shepherdless.” Here they were on a quiet day, in a lonely and beautiful hillside overlooking the Sea of Galilee—sitting together in the lush green grass, listening to Jesus’ wonderful words, experiencing his healing, and eating a satisfying meal.  Truly, it seemed, the Lord was their Shepherd, they lacked nothing.  He made them lie down in this green pasture, he led them beside these still waters, he was refreshing their souls. 

     So Jesus took the bread and fish, gave thanks to God, and fed the vast multitude.  We don’t know whether or not the masses knew about this miracle, we only know that they ate and were filled.  The disciples, while they didn’t fully understand what was happening, knew Jesus was doing something amazing.  Perhaps it reenergized them, but they certainly didn’t have much time to take it in—to process it.  After all, it takes a long time to serve thousands of people even if the food is being produced miraculously.  And then there was the clean up.  No sooner did they finish distributing the bread, did they have to begin gathering the leftovers.  By the time they were finished, the adrenaline rush must have long passed.  Each disciple stood before Jesus with a basketful of leftovers.  They were panting, sweating, and wondering when their break would really begin.

-          Richard Foster, Celebration of Discipline

     I am amazed at the sheer number of people who are convinced that what the world really needs is another good lawyer, brilliant doctor, gifted teacher,  ingenius time-saving device, original online buisness, social networking idea, another best-selling self-help book,  more artists, more humanitarians, more politicians—that people still think what we really need to have a significant life is a marketable skill, talent, or trade.  Those of you that think that, let me burst your bubble, whatever skills or intelligence that you have trained and worked to attain, there is barely a place on the planet that needs another one of you. 

     As Jesus and his disciples were on their way, he came to a village where a woman named Martha opened her home to him. She had a sister called Mary, who sat at the Lord's feet listening to what he said. But Martha was distracted by all the preparations that had to be made. She came to him and asked, "Lord, don't you care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me!"

     “Martha, Martha,” the Lord answered, "you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better, and it will not be taken away from her."

(Luke 10:38-42) 

     When you graduate from this school, move back home, relocate to a new city or country, when you enter the job market, when you go anywhere on earth, hold fast to these words of Jesus Christ:  “ONLY ONE THING IS NEEDED!”  What the world needs is for someone to show up on the scene who knows God.  That person may take the outward form of an accountant, graphic artist, social worker, computer programmer, waitress, nurse or preacher,  but inwardly, they must know God.

Two Mountains . . .

For you have not come to what may be touched, a blazing fire and darkness and gloom and a tempest and the sound of a trumpet and a voice whose words made the hearers beg that no further messages be spoken to them. For they could not endure the order that was given, "If even a beast touches the mountain, it shall be stoned."

(Heb 12:18-20 ESV)

This is all most people in the world ever really know of God—a mysterious, scary, darkness.  In fact, this is all that so many Christians know of God.  It is a thundering that we cannot bear.  We plug our ears and run away.             We, like the old Bible character, Aaron, pour our gold into molds, recreating God in our own, safe image.  But the world just doesn’t need more metal workers, more craftsmen, more golden calves.  No one leaves Egypt for that.  No one can.

But you have come to Mount Zion and to the city of the living God, the heavenly Jerusalem, and to innumerable angels in festal gathering, and to the assembly of the firstborn who are enrolled in heaven, and to God, the judge of all, and to the spirits of the righteous made perfect, and to Jesus, the mediator of a new covenant, and to the sprinkled blood that speaks a better word than the blood of Abel.

(Heb 12:22-24 ESV)

     Moses was the man who went up the mountain, past the smoke and towards the thunder. The Bible says he met with God face-to-face in a place called the “tent of meeting.”  When folks saw him going to tent , everyone stood up out of respect, awe, and expectancy.  This man was God’s friend. 

     We, the people who have God in our hearts—the Jesus-followers—have been granted access to a mountain that is light rather than darkness, revelation rather than mystery, life rather than death.  We are the people who have found refuge from God in God.  And when we show up at our jobs, in our classes, on the mission field, in restaraunts, on the street, or among our friends and family, there is a widespread standing up in the hearts of men and women.  It is almost imperceivable, but it is still there.  Is this finally a genuine Moses?  Has this woman, this man, pressed beyond the smoke and into the blinding light of God’s prescence?  Or is this just another Aaron who knows nothing more of that mysterious darkness than I?

     Ask yourself the question:  “Am I a Moses or an Aaron?”  The question is not, “Am I a spiritual giant?”  It is, “Do I really know God?” And, “What happens when I go into the tent of meeting?”  “Do I see His face?”  “Does He speak to me like a friend?”  “Do I even go to the tent at all?”  “Does my face reflect the unveiled glorious luster of knowing Him or is it only the gold I’ve poured that shines?”  “Do I know Him or not?”

You can, you know -- know Him.

Feel free to email me to talk more.

     Thirdly, religions make a philanthropological claim.  Essentially, “We can make the world a better place.”   This won’t take long.  One need only to mention the Holocaust, the Spanish Inquisition, the religious wars of India, and the infamous events now ominously referred to as “911.”  Peace on earth?  Give me a break.

     Finally, we come to the epistemological claim of religion.  “We are right.”  It is not surprising that religious adherents around the world universally believe that they are right.  Even those who hold to a universalist, relativist doctrine would say all religions are equally valid, except for those who don’t think so.  Yes, people everywhere passionately believe in their own version of spiritual truth.  But why do they believe?

     I once spoke to a Muslim who told me that if I were to read the Koran, I would believe because I would “know in my heart that it was true.”  A Mormon, however, told me the very same thing about his book.  The problem here is that with thousands of religions in the world, that’s a whole lot of “burning bosoms,” each achieved by their own religious practices.  And, since the bulk of these systems are mutually exclusive in their claims, the law of non-contradiction suggests that they can’t all be right.  But, could they all be wrong?

     Well, this is just my point.  Religion fails.  Humanly designed systems are at best asymptotic, encroaching on infinity, the work of Sisyphus.  Marx has said, “The abolition of religion as the illusory happiness of the people is required for their real happiness.  The demand to give up the illusions about its condition is the demand to give up a condition which needs illusions.”   In other words, we need to be freed of the failed claims and the illusions of the religious life as it is popularly conceived.  But it is not enough to merely give up the illusions.  What will we do then with that “feeling for the infinite?”  What about the stains that we know are still soul-deep?  What about our need for peace?   What about our need for truth?  Religion did not create these longings within us, rather, these longings motivated us to create religion.  And, just as hunger presupposes the existence of food, and thirst the existence of water, these longings presuppose the existence of not only fulfillment, but a Fulfiller.

     Enter Jesus.   One might argue, the most irreligious man to ever walk the earth.  His claims are different.  There is no system that will bring you to God.   Jesus was sent by God to get to us.  When my son was first learning to crawl, he was only successful in going backwards.  He would see me, get very excited, and try to crawl to me.  However, the harder he tried, the further away he went.   Finally, I would just walk over and pick him up—much to his delight.  This is Jesus.  Seeing us struggling by our own fatally flawed means, he left heaven on a mission to gather us to God.

     Jesus gave us no system of obtaining holiness or meriting favor with God.  Instead he paid the penalty for our unworthiness by dying on the cross.  It’s as if He paid that credit card bill that you knew you could never pay.  Now, He freely extends an offer to clean those soul-deep stains.  You need only to ask Him to do so.

     Far more than the absence of war, Jesus came to bring us peace with God.  When the angels sang “Peace on Earth” at His birth, this is what they were talking about—the opportunity, extended through Jesus to every person, to have peace, access, intimacy, and a personal love relationship with the God of the Universe.

     Finally, Jesus doesn’t ask us to simply trust a “warm and fuzzy” feeling in order to become one of His followers.  He has demonstrated the truth of His claim to be God in human flesh by the immutable fact of the resurrection.  A person can actually examine mountains of historical evidence from ancient manuscripts and archeological discoveries to eyewitness testimonies and predictive prophecy in order to determine the authenticity of the Biblical accounts of the life of Jesus.

     There is an answer to our heart’s longings.  It is an answer free from the illusory life of blind religious zealotry.  Most people will spend years searching the vast deserts of human idea looking for that answer.  They will drink sand by the mouthfuls trying desperately to quench the thirst of their heart—that “feeling for the Infinite.”  Enter Jesus.  He looks at our hands full of sand and kindly says to us, “Everyone who drinks this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks the water I give him will never thirst.  Indeed the water I give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life” (John 4:13-14).