So, this year I’ve been eating a lot more cereal that in the past.  I’m not really sure why.  But it has gotten me thinking about the great dangers of cereal.  No, not empty calories and teeth-rotting sugar.  I’m talking about paganism.  That’s right.  The cereal that you love so much, could be deeply Satanic.  Let’s see . . .

The Five Most-pagan Cereals

5. Rice Krispies

Did you know that the loveable little icons, Snap, Crackle and Pop are really magical Gnomes who are engaged in a spiritual struggle to control your breakfast bowl?  That’s right! And they have been since the 1930s.  Not only that, but their operation is global.  In Mexico they are known as Pim, Pum and Pam.  In Germany they are Knisper, Knasper and Knusper.  And among the Zulu tribesmen of South Africa they are Click, Click and Nagunga (complete with postalveolar clicking).

4. Raisin Bran

What could be more pagan than portraying the sun as a living being?  Just look at that smiling sun-face on the box and see how it’s pouring forth grace upon your cereal.  Is this Ra of Egyptian lore or Surya Deva of Vedic mythology?  And how are we to respond to the sun’s gracious gift of plump, juicy raisins – a hymn perhaps? Libations? Sacrificing a virgin?

3. Cookie Crisp

Perhaps you're old enough to remember Cookie Crook and his constant sinister shenanigans – variously trying to steal Cookie Crisp cereal and thus thwart Officer Crumb.  Well, now it’s Chip the dog’s (or maybe wolf) turn.  He’s always trying to steal cereal from children and is never brought to justice.  Even back in the day when Cookie Crook was arrested by Officer Crumb, there he’d be the next week out again and up to his evil ways.  The cereal has so many problems it’s hard to know where to begin – from the glorification of thievery (a violation of the 8^th commandment) and coveting (10^th commandment), to portraying an obviously flawed criminal justice system as normal and entertaining.

2. Count Chocula

Uhh . . . hello! Can you say Vampire!!!  This one is just blatantly Satanic.  Count Chocula is, after all, the living dead.  Sure, for now he’s pretty much preoccupied with his cereal craving, but just you wait.  He’ll turn on you in no time and be after your blood.  Keep your crucifix handy if you plan to indulge in any of this chocolaty goodness.  And let’s not even get into the spinoffs: Frankenberry, Boo Berry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy.

1.  Lucky Charms

Perhaps the most pagan cereal of them all has to be Lucky Charms.  I mean, after all we’re talking about a box that’s just chock full of pagan symbolism in tasty marshmallow form.  The cereal was actually inspired by the idea of charm bracelets – historically worn as amulets to ward off evil spirits.  So, yeah, eat this cereal and become safe from the evil eye.  Just wait for them to add upcoming black pentagrams to their marshmallow lineup.

Okay.  So let this be a lesson to you.  There is no innocent breakfast consumption.  God knows what you eat.

Oh, yeah.  Let me give you some Christian alternatives:

1.       Fruity Pebbles.  Creationists will enjoy the fact that humans and dinosaurs coexist in the pre-flood story line upon which this cereal is based.

2.       Lucky Charms without the marshmallows.  Yes, if you filter out all the marshmallows you are left with the whole grain oat pieces that are shaped in the following ways:  church bells; three-leaf clovers representing the Trinity, a lower-case alpha or “Jesus fish”, a cross, and a Christmas tree intended to remind us of the birth of Christ.

[Note: the above blog was just for fun--AS IN FUNNY.  Don’t take everything in life so seriously.  Jesus doesn’t want you to be uptight. Have a laugh once in a while.]

Shalom